Many issues in our lives require the Lord’s forgiveness, and ALSO that I
forgive myself. Often the latter is harder. I feel I am the one in control, I
should have known better, I know it was my fault. . .I. . . I. . . I . . . It is very hard to let go. This relates to the initial sin element of me
thinking I know or that I should know. BUT I CAN’T! I cannot know everything; I
cannot be in control. That is the level of weakness I have as a person.
Forgiving myself really wars with this whole control thing. If I cannot accept that I have that level of weakness – that I am not in
control and can’t know everything – then I certainly cannot forgive myself for
falling short. But I must if I’m going to go free. And God wants me to go free.
But I cannot allow that – "it’s not fair. . .that’s not ok. . .I shouldn’t have
done that. . .I should have done better. . .it’s my fault". . .etc. It is so
hard for us to let go and receive forgiveness and grace AND to give ourselves
grace and mercy. THE REASON I
To forgive myself goes hand in hand with feeling insecure. Forgiving myself acknowledges my weakness and that I can’t do any better.* This point is very threatening; this is the control stuff.
But I CAN forgive myself because I CAN’T be
in control (because God did not create me that way and I don’t and can’t know
everything by my own faculties.) I can’t control everything and I never
could.
I CAN FORGIVE MYSELF BECAUSE I ACCEPT THAT I CAN’T KNOW EVERYTHING.
BECAUSE THAT IS TRUE, I NO LONGER WANT TO BE IN CONTROL, I WANT TO JOIN
JESUS SO I CAN "KNOW" WITH HIM. Often the only place we can start is, "Lord, I can see I need to forgive
myself, but my heart is like granite. I need to have my heart for myself
softened. Please do this; I cannot do it myself."
* Note: We need to make a distinction between “doing better” as an outcome of
growth in the Lord—learning from Him, moving into agreement with Him—and this
article’s discovery that we are not able to do better on our own. It speaks of
the heart acknowledgement that we cannot come into agreement and transformation
without Him. As we connect with, receive from, and follow the Lord, indeed we
can do better. That “doing better” is not a statement of our ability, and it
certainly is not a condition for our being valued by the Lord. It is a simple
outcome of being loved by Him and loving Him back.